After spending the better part of a month in my head contemplating possible future moves, I've settled on what I want to do. It's a little bit different than the original plan, but hey, the best laid plans...
I'm going back to Haiti. I'm going back for longer than I went the first time. I'm planning on being there until shortly before I attend graduate school in Fall 2012, so over a year. I'll leave Los Angeles on or around July 1st. July 1st seems fitting - it was the day I arrived in Haiti last year.
Why Haiti again? Simple: I can't think of a place more in need of what I want to focus on right now then Haiti. While I was first considering Latin America to start a biosand filter / WASH program (Water, Sanitation & Hygiene) the truth is Haiti has it worse off right now when it comes to water and health issues than Nicaragua or Honduras or Chiapas or any of the other locations I looked at. That isn't to downplay the severity of some of the problems down there, and I do hope to eventually get a chance to work in Latin America, but right now Haiti, given the earthquake and the cholera outbreak... It just makes sense.
Furthermore, I have resources in Haiti I don't have elsewhere. I have great organizations I know contacts at: All Hands, Clean Water for Haiti, GrassRoots United, my friend Jason's organization. I have friends on the ground in Haiti. Max & Dan are headed back to Haiti soon, and James is there. They were the original partners in the "let's start a biosand project" idea and while I've come to realize I'm going to have to run solo on this for now, knowing they are going to be there and may be inclined to join me if I can get things going is something I take into consideration. And yes, while I don't speak Haitian Creole anywhere near as well as I speak Spanish, I have a basic understanding now, and want to learn more. I'm also somewhat adapted to moving around and getting things done in Haiti. Living there for seven months will do that. And really, I love Haiti. I really do, and I miss it. Why not go back then, and keep trying to grow in the field I want to make a career in while helping people and being in a place I really like being? Again, it makes sense. Yes, I'll likely exhaust the rest of my savings in the process, but why not? What else should I spend it on? School is the only other thing I think is as worthwhile to spend my savings on, but having another year on the ground will likely help me in securing scholarships, which may, in the end, be more substantial than what I can save by being here working, perhaps in a field totally unrelated to what I want to do. I promised myself, when I took the step to go to Haiti and begin to try and set myself up to live a life in line with what I hold valuable, that I would stay out in the field until grad school unless I really didn't have a choice and had to come "home" (which is where exactly?). I can still do that. I intend to.
So what's the difference this time around? Mostly my focus on where I want to try and make things happen in Haiti. Before, I was living and working in Leogane - an urban center. This time around, I'd really like to focus on working in rural areas. It's a totally different ball game. Rural communities tend to receive far less aid than urban communities. It makes sense logistically - urban centers make it possible to help more people more efficiently. But still, rural people are just as deserving, and in the case of water issues in Haiti, rural communities actually need more help. A higher percentage of rural people in Haiti are dependent on contaminated water sources than urban people. And according to MSF (Medecins Sans Frontieres aka. Doctors Without Borders), rural people are going to get hit harder by the cholera epidemic than urban people. I know it would be more challenging to try and work in rural areas, but that's a good thing in my view - I want a challenge, and I want to see what some of the worst water conditions really look like.
This isn't to downplay the importance of getting clean water out to people in Leogane, or any urban center. I know there are people there that have to depend on nasty water, and I'm proud of the work I did trying to address that. But, by and large, the urban Leogane community can get clean water when they need it, be it via a big bladder provided by an NGO, or a public tap that tests clean, or a capped well, or even buying the little plastic sacks of water sold everywhere. I'd be lying if I didn't admit there were some biosand filter installs that, even though I know they were helping, made me question whether or not there were other people out there who would benefit far more. Does it make sense to give a biosand filter to a person in a neighborhood that has a clean tap when you know outside of town people are drinking river water? Yes, it's true that that tap may go bad at some point, or dry up, but if you know it's OK now and others don't have an OK situation, shouldn't priority be given to those people that aren't OK? When I go back to Haiti, I want to try and target the people that truly need clean water now. I don't have any idea how that will look yet. I like the idea of possibly linking back up with All Hands - it's a truly great organization for what it aims to do and I'm incredibly thankful for the chance they gave me when they let me run the biosand project. I also feel I could go back now and run it better than I did before. Still, if I'm wanting to focus rural and All Hands is urban-based, that may not mesh. Then again, they may be very open to exploring a different model for our biosand project. I haven't reached out to them yet, so I don't know. Furthermore, All Hands is scheduled to end Project Leogane at the end of this year. What happens to the biosand project if and when All Hands does leave Haiti? I'm not going to make any assumptions. Experience has taught me assumptions are usually wrong. Still, it's worth thinking about.
Truth be told, this is all still very new, triggered by a recent conversation I had with a girl I really respect, a friend of mine who is now studying in England but I met in Haiti last year. I was explaining to her I felt overwhelmed and unsure of what path to take now that my time in Haiti was done. After laying out some of the options I was thinking about, she didn't tell me one was clearly the right choice, but rather that they all sounded worthwhile, and that the only way I'd really move forward was to pick one and commit to it 100%. So this is my choice. Now that it's made, it's time to start fleshing it out and moving forward. I'm headed down to Mexico soon, April 17th - 26th, to spend time w/ my godfather, a grizzled veteran of the NGO world who lives at the end of the Baja Peninsula, and I'm really excited to have a chance to get his feedback and advice (scuba diving with whale sharks doesn't sound half bad either). Something tells me I'll come back from Mexico a lot more knowledgeable about what the right next steps look like, and be ready to take them.
So there it is. Life continues. I have my aspirations. I have my doubts. More and more though it becomes clear - trust my instincts, make a choice, and put all of my potential and capability behind that choice. That's all you can really do in trying to create a good life. It doesn't guarantee anything, but it puts you in motion. I've been sitting still for a month, in my head, going a little crazy. Maybe it was needed, but it isn't anymore. I'm pretty clear now about how I'd like the next few years of my life to go: Haiti, then grad school in the UK and hopefully a reconnection with someone I love and want to be with. From there, we'll figure out what's next together. It doesn't mean that's how things will come to pass, and I have no idea yet all the steps along the way, but I do know if I don't try, I've already failed.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Day 0: A Question (To Myself)
One of the things I find myself asking myself a lot in regards to this blog, and the majority of the writing that I do these days is a simple one - is there a point? When I was in Haiti, there was a point. I wanted to both chronicle my adventures for my own sake and be able to share them with people who might be interested in a first-person account of what life in Haiti was really like for an out-of-country aid worker. Seems pretty straight forward. I was only one of many volunteers at All Hands writing a blog. I assume most of us wrote them for similar reasons.
The thing is, I'm not in Haiti anymore. My life isn't quite as outwardly interesting as it was there. In some respects, I feel like I'm not really doing much these days to warrant writing, because I hate the idea of writing just to read my own thoughts. I have a hard time believing that I have enough to offer at this point to come from a place of simply being me, with nothing else to add some level of depth to whatever it is I'm trying to put out there. Yet, I also know that where I am right now - a strange limbo place - is, in fact, perhaps one of the most interesting places to try and explore, even if the majority of my time right now is spent sitting in a nondescript one-bedroom apartment in West Hollywood, on my computer or watching Netflix documentaries or listening to music and podcasts and Pimsleur French lessons. Again, on the surface, I'm not doing a whole hell of a lot, but underneath that, there's an abundance of invisible activity. I'm in my head more now than I've been in a long time. I've a lot to think about, or at least that's what I tell myself. I'm sure it is a place a lot of people can relate to. Maybe there's value in sharing it?
I don't know the answer really, and this isn't the first time I've struggled with this question. So then, enough writing for now. I don't think it's getting me any closer to clarity and I don't want to write circles simply to do it.
The thing is, I'm not in Haiti anymore. My life isn't quite as outwardly interesting as it was there. In some respects, I feel like I'm not really doing much these days to warrant writing, because I hate the idea of writing just to read my own thoughts. I have a hard time believing that I have enough to offer at this point to come from a place of simply being me, with nothing else to add some level of depth to whatever it is I'm trying to put out there. Yet, I also know that where I am right now - a strange limbo place - is, in fact, perhaps one of the most interesting places to try and explore, even if the majority of my time right now is spent sitting in a nondescript one-bedroom apartment in West Hollywood, on my computer or watching Netflix documentaries or listening to music and podcasts and Pimsleur French lessons. Again, on the surface, I'm not doing a whole hell of a lot, but underneath that, there's an abundance of invisible activity. I'm in my head more now than I've been in a long time. I've a lot to think about, or at least that's what I tell myself. I'm sure it is a place a lot of people can relate to. Maybe there's value in sharing it?
I don't know the answer really, and this isn't the first time I've struggled with this question. So then, enough writing for now. I don't think it's getting me any closer to clarity and I don't want to write circles simply to do it.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Day 0: Well, That Was Enlightening
OK, don't ask me why I thought a class labeled "TurboKick" offered at 24 Hour Fitness was going to be anything remotely close to a real kickboxing class. Wishful thinking maybe? I mean, I knew this wasn't going to be Fairtex (the muay-thai gym where I got my ass handed to me on a not at all regular basis when I lived in San Francisco), but good god, I didn't expect it to be what it was. Let's break it down for you:
I knew this wasn't likely:
But this I wasn't ready for:
Needless to say, after bouncing around like a moron for about thirty seconds, I knew there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell I was staying for sixty minutes of that ridiculousness. That's right people, I was that guy who very unstealth-like walks all the way across the entire room in the middle of the instructor giving her far too excited instructions and leaves. Lesson learned. Now, should I choose to explore another new 24 Hour Fitness class offering, I'll be setting up camp near the door. I took a quick pass through the cardio room but the machines all looked completely alien to me, with pretty people far too peppily climbing never-ending stairs and riding one-wheeled bikes and running forever in place. I had to leave immediately. So here I sit, typing instead of working out. I suppose I could have jumped in the pool (that's the main reason I signed up for that gym, given I love to swim) but I somehow lost my swimsuit in the shuffle from Haiti to NYC to England to NYC to NC to CA and my replacement one hasn't gotten here yet.
Anyway, not much else to report. Job hunting is a bit soul-killing (I really, really hate the Craigslist jobs board) but gotta do what ya gotta do. Going in for an interview tomorrow about a tele-fundraising gig. It pays nothing, but at least I'd be raising money for things I can get behind - environmental causes, LGBT causes, etc., and besides, it's three months. I can do that. If nothing else, it'll stop me hemorrhaging the ever-dwindling savings I want to make last until grad school come Fall 2012. And if I land a restaurant gig between now and when I leave LA, I'll work both. The more money the better.
Connected with someone on Skype this morning that lit up my day and made me refocus myself to a certain degree - remember why I'm here, and what awaits down the road if I can make it all come together. She has a way of being a driving force for me. She reminds me of what my life can be. She brings out the best in me.
Alright then, if exercise isn't happening today I damn well ain't skipping language learning. Time to bone up on my Français. Fluenz French, let's do this.
I knew this wasn't likely:
But this I wasn't ready for:
Needless to say, after bouncing around like a moron for about thirty seconds, I knew there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell I was staying for sixty minutes of that ridiculousness. That's right people, I was that guy who very unstealth-like walks all the way across the entire room in the middle of the instructor giving her far too excited instructions and leaves. Lesson learned. Now, should I choose to explore another new 24 Hour Fitness class offering, I'll be setting up camp near the door. I took a quick pass through the cardio room but the machines all looked completely alien to me, with pretty people far too peppily climbing never-ending stairs and riding one-wheeled bikes and running forever in place. I had to leave immediately. So here I sit, typing instead of working out. I suppose I could have jumped in the pool (that's the main reason I signed up for that gym, given I love to swim) but I somehow lost my swimsuit in the shuffle from Haiti to NYC to England to NYC to NC to CA and my replacement one hasn't gotten here yet.
Anyway, not much else to report. Job hunting is a bit soul-killing (I really, really hate the Craigslist jobs board) but gotta do what ya gotta do. Going in for an interview tomorrow about a tele-fundraising gig. It pays nothing, but at least I'd be raising money for things I can get behind - environmental causes, LGBT causes, etc., and besides, it's three months. I can do that. If nothing else, it'll stop me hemorrhaging the ever-dwindling savings I want to make last until grad school come Fall 2012. And if I land a restaurant gig between now and when I leave LA, I'll work both. The more money the better.
Connected with someone on Skype this morning that lit up my day and made me refocus myself to a certain degree - remember why I'm here, and what awaits down the road if I can make it all come together. She has a way of being a driving force for me. She reminds me of what my life can be. She brings out the best in me.
Alright then, if exercise isn't happening today I damn well ain't skipping language learning. Time to bone up on my Français. Fluenz French, let's do this.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Day 0: Settled In (Well, Physically Anyway)
Alright, I'm in my place of sorts, that is, the place I'll be living for the next three or so months. My brother and I are sharing a one-bedroom here in West Hollywood, in the epicenter of the gayest part of LA, and perhaps, after the Castro, the country. Hey, I'm down. The gay fellas know how to make a neighborhood nice. One of my favorite neighborhoods in San Diego, a city I by and large detest, was Hillcrest, the "gay" neighborhood. Good restaurants, clean, fun shops (not that I'm really into shopping). Same here. Place is nice too. Big enough that Cort has the bedroom and I have my little space in the living room. This apartment in Manhattan would cost double what it does here, if not more. Cort's going to be happy here I think. That makes me happy. And both of us have had enough time kickin' it with the gay community to be totally comfortable getting hit on, which undoubtedly is going to happen a lot in this neighborhood. So be it, let's do this boys!
So yes, "home". Not really, but that's OK, I'm content here. I bought myself a cheap twin bed and mattress off Craigslist. A cheap desk from Target. Bedding. A towel. A lamp. A folding metal chair. Some clothes hangers. Deodorant. The basics. I don't need much else, besides a job. Stay busy. Make money. Continue to plan my next move, and, when the time comes, make it.
I'd be lying if I said I was happy. I'm not. I'm not unhappy either, really. I just am. I'm existing. I feel very flat-lined emotionally right now. I'm figuring out ways to make the days go by. Just finished a great book - A Thousand Splendid Suns. Talk about putting things in perspective. Here's to hoping the Taliban never manage to regain control anywhere ever again. Better yet, just eradicate the bunch of them from off the face of the planet. I've no sympathy. Not for people who make life so horrific for others. OK, yea, settle down Quinn. Anyway, good book. Read it.
I like being with my brother, and being with my pup, and I like being able to see my dad and stepmom fairly regularly. It's nice to see Mike and Christina and Ginny and Ariel and Jenni and other close friends. Still though, I'm lonely. It became clear to me in Haiti that I'm ready to give myself to someone, but it's also clear to me that I'm not going to pursue any random girl to make it happen. I'm not that type of person. I'm happy to wait, and be patient, and, when the right one comes along, I trust I'll know it. I had glimpses of it before, in a beautiful woman I was with before Haiti, and I truly found it for the first time in Haiti, where I met a girl I became very close to. I know now what it feels like. And truth be told, I'd be lying if I said I'm still not hurting a bit in regards to that girl from Haiti, which would suggest I'm actually not yet ready to try and partner up with someone else, even if it might make me feel better in the here and now. It isn't really fair to the other person. Sure, a more playful, casual thing I'm open to. That can be a lot of fun in its simplicity. But something deeper right now? Nope. Not the time. Not yet anyway. Besides, I chose this. I could have walked a different path. I didn't. I chose trying to build a life I can be proud of before trying to be partner to someone I'd come to love and respect. It seems to me the right order of things. You can't really be with someone in any truly healthy way over the long run until you're happy with yourself - with who you are, and with what you've made your life mean. With what you do when you wake up in the morning. I'm not quite there yet. I'm getting ever closer, but I'm not there. Not yet. Hence choosing not to relocate to London. Hence being here for the next few months, even if I know it isn't where I want to be, or where I'm going to be. It's good to remind myself of that. It grounds me. I'm at the point now where I trust my gut. It wasn't always that way. I'm really glad to have reached that place, even if on occasion I need to remember that that is, in fact, the case.
So all said and done, I'm cool being where I'm at with it all. I suppose it's natural to miss the person who unlocked something in me for the first time, even if it was brief, and now, many months ago. And I'm fine with hurting every once in a while as a result of not having her around any more. It's part of being human really. In many respects, it's the most powerful part of being human - hurting. It brings out your compassion, and humility, and, if you let it, it will make you a more honest person, with yourself as much as with others. That's invaluable. Most people don't like to hurt though. They'll do whatever they can to avoid it. I've got my methods, definitely. I'm no better than the next guy. But right now I'm not engaging any of them. I'm not drinking, I'm not wasting hours on end playing video games. I guess reading is an escape, but it's one I'm happy to allow myself. I suppose that's why time feels strange right now - I'm present to it. Maybe this emotional mutedness is part of it. If you're truly present, it's hard to swing dramatically. That usually comes as a result of pushing furiously into a nonexistent future, or clinging desperately to a dead past. I still do play in the future, and linger in moments past, but I know when I am, and something about knowing it strips it of its potency. I very rarely find myself truly in pain because of it anymore. I'm very rarely all in. It's usually pretty easy for me to snap back to present. Mornings, after I've been dreaming, can sometimes be tricky, but I suppose that makes sense - dreaming is one thing I can't control, or realize I'm doing (never did figure out that whole lucid dreaming thing), so its potency isn't diminished. And dreams aren't real. They unfold in pasts and futures and alternate presents. Waking up to the real present can be jarring. But it passes, and I'm out of bed. I'm in the shower, and then getting dressed, and now my dog is wagging his tail at me with his goofy grin, and I'm smiling back and speaking in that ridiculous voice reserved only for him, and my brother is figuring out what to do for breakfast, and I'm here, and that's good enough for me right now. Paciencia gringo, I tell myself. It's a big beautiful world out there. Do what you need to do now to get out into it again soon. Or, the wise man sayeth in return, realize that you're in it already. Now. Right now. Really?, I say, Los Angeles? Really? Really? Fuck. You're an asshole you know that? You're right, but you're an asshole. Then I realize I'm being a dick. Check yourself Quinn. You've so much of what other people only wish they had. Haiti was proof enough of that. The world is proof enough of that.
The Hype Machine is great. One of my favorite things to do when I'm simply being is hunting for music. I'm a bit of a madman in how excited I can get when I find new songs I like, and The Hype Machine is a great resource for that. Highly recommend it for fellow music junkies. Here's a few I just found, remixes by one of my favorite bands, Home Video:
The Naked Hearts - Only For You (Home Video Remix)
Bear In Heaven - Ultimate Satisfaction (Home Video Remix)
Goodnight.
 |
| Yea, that's right, welcome to the good life. |
I'd be lying if I said I was happy. I'm not. I'm not unhappy either, really. I just am. I'm existing. I feel very flat-lined emotionally right now. I'm figuring out ways to make the days go by. Just finished a great book - A Thousand Splendid Suns. Talk about putting things in perspective. Here's to hoping the Taliban never manage to regain control anywhere ever again. Better yet, just eradicate the bunch of them from off the face of the planet. I've no sympathy. Not for people who make life so horrific for others. OK, yea, settle down Quinn. Anyway, good book. Read it.
I like being with my brother, and being with my pup, and I like being able to see my dad and stepmom fairly regularly. It's nice to see Mike and Christina and Ginny and Ariel and Jenni and other close friends. Still though, I'm lonely. It became clear to me in Haiti that I'm ready to give myself to someone, but it's also clear to me that I'm not going to pursue any random girl to make it happen. I'm not that type of person. I'm happy to wait, and be patient, and, when the right one comes along, I trust I'll know it. I had glimpses of it before, in a beautiful woman I was with before Haiti, and I truly found it for the first time in Haiti, where I met a girl I became very close to. I know now what it feels like. And truth be told, I'd be lying if I said I'm still not hurting a bit in regards to that girl from Haiti, which would suggest I'm actually not yet ready to try and partner up with someone else, even if it might make me feel better in the here and now. It isn't really fair to the other person. Sure, a more playful, casual thing I'm open to. That can be a lot of fun in its simplicity. But something deeper right now? Nope. Not the time. Not yet anyway. Besides, I chose this. I could have walked a different path. I didn't. I chose trying to build a life I can be proud of before trying to be partner to someone I'd come to love and respect. It seems to me the right order of things. You can't really be with someone in any truly healthy way over the long run until you're happy with yourself - with who you are, and with what you've made your life mean. With what you do when you wake up in the morning. I'm not quite there yet. I'm getting ever closer, but I'm not there. Not yet. Hence choosing not to relocate to London. Hence being here for the next few months, even if I know it isn't where I want to be, or where I'm going to be. It's good to remind myself of that. It grounds me. I'm at the point now where I trust my gut. It wasn't always that way. I'm really glad to have reached that place, even if on occasion I need to remember that that is, in fact, the case.
So all said and done, I'm cool being where I'm at with it all. I suppose it's natural to miss the person who unlocked something in me for the first time, even if it was brief, and now, many months ago. And I'm fine with hurting every once in a while as a result of not having her around any more. It's part of being human really. In many respects, it's the most powerful part of being human - hurting. It brings out your compassion, and humility, and, if you let it, it will make you a more honest person, with yourself as much as with others. That's invaluable. Most people don't like to hurt though. They'll do whatever they can to avoid it. I've got my methods, definitely. I'm no better than the next guy. But right now I'm not engaging any of them. I'm not drinking, I'm not wasting hours on end playing video games. I guess reading is an escape, but it's one I'm happy to allow myself. I suppose that's why time feels strange right now - I'm present to it. Maybe this emotional mutedness is part of it. If you're truly present, it's hard to swing dramatically. That usually comes as a result of pushing furiously into a nonexistent future, or clinging desperately to a dead past. I still do play in the future, and linger in moments past, but I know when I am, and something about knowing it strips it of its potency. I very rarely find myself truly in pain because of it anymore. I'm very rarely all in. It's usually pretty easy for me to snap back to present. Mornings, after I've been dreaming, can sometimes be tricky, but I suppose that makes sense - dreaming is one thing I can't control, or realize I'm doing (never did figure out that whole lucid dreaming thing), so its potency isn't diminished. And dreams aren't real. They unfold in pasts and futures and alternate presents. Waking up to the real present can be jarring. But it passes, and I'm out of bed. I'm in the shower, and then getting dressed, and now my dog is wagging his tail at me with his goofy grin, and I'm smiling back and speaking in that ridiculous voice reserved only for him, and my brother is figuring out what to do for breakfast, and I'm here, and that's good enough for me right now. Paciencia gringo, I tell myself. It's a big beautiful world out there. Do what you need to do now to get out into it again soon. Or, the wise man sayeth in return, realize that you're in it already. Now. Right now. Really?, I say, Los Angeles? Really? Really? Fuck. You're an asshole you know that? You're right, but you're an asshole. Then I realize I'm being a dick. Check yourself Quinn. You've so much of what other people only wish they had. Haiti was proof enough of that. The world is proof enough of that.
The Hype Machine is great. One of my favorite things to do when I'm simply being is hunting for music. I'm a bit of a madman in how excited I can get when I find new songs I like, and The Hype Machine is a great resource for that. Highly recommend it for fellow music junkies. Here's a few I just found, remixes by one of my favorite bands, Home Video:
The Naked Hearts - Only For You (Home Video Remix)
Bear In Heaven - Ultimate Satisfaction (Home Video Remix)
Goodnight.
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